I Miss Him

I miss him. 

Watching him with her slowly kills me, but he doesn’t seem to notice- or perhaps he doesn’t care. Maybe that’s what he wants. 

But I miss him. I want him and only him.

He did me wrong in so many ways and while I can take note of the fact and recognize that he made many mistakes, I blame them all on me; as if I were the cause for them all. As if I were the flaw in the relationship and as if I were different I wouldn’t be hurting. 

Waking up with red puffy eyes and a tight dry throat really sucks.

Why did he have to leave me? Why did he have to treat me the way he did? Why did he have to hurt me? Why did he love her more? Why am I not good enough for him? I hate this. I hate him. I hate me. 

But I miss him. 

Right after things ended I thought I would be okay. I thought that it wouldn’t effect me and that I had already moved on- but I was, once again, mistaken. Every day that goes by I get more and more upset about losing him. I want him. 

I want him to hold me and to kiss me like he used to before he realized that I wasn’t enough for him. I want him to be mine the same way I am always have been his; whether he wants me to be or not. 

I crave his touch. Seeing them together overwhelms me with jealousy. 

Why doesn’t he feel the same way as me? This is so unfair. I want him to want me with the same intensity that I want him. 

I just miss him so, so much- and I don’t know how much longer I can go with feeling this way. It hurts too much. I’m becoming exhausted and I’m close to giving up. It wears me down. He’s slowly killing me and he doesn’t realize it.

I hope my brothers never feel this. I hope that they never feel the same agony as me. I hope they never lie awake during ungodly hours of the night and contemplate whether they should continue to keep trying or not. I hope they realize that they can always find the hope in something or someone- I hope that they can find their saving grace the same way I wish I could. 

Nobody knows that I feel this way. They would all just pity me. They’d watch me suffer and wish that they could do something about it, but no one can besides him. My saving grace happens to be the very reason I’m writing. This is unfair.

I miss him.

What scares me is that if one day he decided to want me back, I wouldn’t hesitate to comply. I can’t take him back if I want what’s best for me. How long will it take for me to be better again? To be over him? To see him as someone who I used to love? I am exhausted. If I took him back he’d break my heart once more. He might even shred it into smaller slivers. 

Through everything he’s done to me, and everything he’s inflicted on me, I can’t help but wonder:

Why do I miss him?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA#t=62