These past days have been better. I haven't cried about him in a long time.
Probably because I haven't been seeing him or her.
But I continue to miss him. He's so fucking poisonous and addicting.
I don't know what to do... Why do I need him so much?
May 8, 2016
May 3, 2016
It Hurts
It hurts. It still hurts. It gets worse day by day- the crying, the pure sadness, the jealousy and the hate.
I feel a little relief when I'm with someone else or not alone. However, sometimes just being with someone isn't enough. I have to speak to them. It hurts more when I'm not distracted.
My brothers should never have to go through this.
They should never let their walls down like I did. They should never get comfortable with anyone. They should never trust people- because as soon as they begin to feel for someone they will just end up like me. Broken, sad, alone and angry.
Why hasn't the pain subsided yet? Why is it that life gets harder and harder when it should be getting easier and easier? I don't want to be anywhere near him anymore. I don't want to see him because doing so is apparently resulting in me feeling like shit.
I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Just incredibly exhausted.
So far, every night I lie awake and think about him. Sometimes I pretend like we're still together. Like we've been going strong for months and that everything was okay. Other times I think back and question myself. If I had done things differently, would we still be together?
I do not want to feel this way anymore.
I feel a little relief when I'm with someone else or not alone. However, sometimes just being with someone isn't enough. I have to speak to them. It hurts more when I'm not distracted.
My brothers should never have to go through this.
They should never let their walls down like I did. They should never get comfortable with anyone. They should never trust people- because as soon as they begin to feel for someone they will just end up like me. Broken, sad, alone and angry.
Why hasn't the pain subsided yet? Why is it that life gets harder and harder when it should be getting easier and easier? I don't want to be anywhere near him anymore. I don't want to see him because doing so is apparently resulting in me feeling like shit.
I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Just incredibly exhausted.
So far, every night I lie awake and think about him. Sometimes I pretend like we're still together. Like we've been going strong for months and that everything was okay. Other times I think back and question myself. If I had done things differently, would we still be together?
I do not want to feel this way anymore.
April 28, 2016
I Miss Him
I miss him.
Watching him with her slowly kills me, but he doesn’t seem to notice- or perhaps he doesn’t care. Maybe that’s what he wants.
But I miss him. I want him and only him.
He did me wrong in so many ways and while I can take note of the fact and recognize that he made many mistakes, I blame them all on me; as if I were the cause for them all. As if I were the flaw in the relationship and as if I were different I wouldn’t be hurting.
Waking up with red puffy eyes and a tight dry throat really sucks.
Why did he have to leave me? Why did he have to treat me the way he did? Why did he have to hurt me? Why did he love her more? Why am I not good enough for him? I hate this. I hate him. I hate me.
But I miss him.
Right after things ended I thought I would be okay. I thought that it wouldn’t effect me and that I had already moved on- but I was, once again, mistaken. Every day that goes by I get more and more upset about losing him. I want him.
I want him to hold me and to kiss me like he used to before he realized that I wasn’t enough for him. I want him to be mine the same way I am always have been his; whether he wants me to be or not.
I crave his touch. Seeing them together overwhelms me with jealousy.
Why doesn’t he feel the same way as me? This is so unfair. I want him to want me with the same intensity that I want him.
I just miss him so, so much- and I don’t know how much longer I can go with feeling this way. It hurts too much. I’m becoming exhausted and I’m close to giving up. It wears me down. He’s slowly killing me and he doesn’t realize it.
I hope my brothers never feel this. I hope that they never feel the same agony as me. I hope they never lie awake during ungodly hours of the night and contemplate whether they should continue to keep trying or not. I hope they realize that they can always find the hope in something or someone- I hope that they can find their saving grace the same way I wish I could.
Nobody knows that I feel this way. They would all just pity me. They’d watch me suffer and wish that they could do something about it, but no one can besides him. My saving grace happens to be the very reason I’m writing. This is unfair.
I miss him.
What scares me is that if one day he decided to want me back, I wouldn’t hesitate to comply. I can’t take him back if I want what’s best for me. How long will it take for me to be better again? To be over him? To see him as someone who I used to love? I am exhausted. If I took him back he’d break my heart once more. He might even shred it into smaller slivers.
Through everything he’s done to me, and everything he’s inflicted on me, I can’t help but wonder:
Why do I miss him?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA#t=62
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA#t=62
December 13, 2015
Animals
To anyone who takes it upon themselves to read,
What's the difference between murder across species and murder within a specie? What's the difference between humans killing animals and humans killing humans? Humans are meant to be humane, but in all honesty thats the least truthful adjective some of us dare to label our kind. We are disgusting. We are hurtful. We damage beyond repair and we can't find ourselves putting an end to our rapid destruction. We are killers. We emit all our negative emotions on innocent creatures who want nothing but to survive in a world where we make surviving for them seem impossible. Our grandchildren will never know what some animals look like, and nobody finds themselves caring enough to take action. People like to say they love animals, and that they hate the cruelty they're going through but if that was really true, tell me what they did. What did they do to change the suffering they're going through? What did they do to prevent the imbalance among nature that is quickly becoming us? In a world where actions speak louder than words, why even insult yourself enough to say you care for them when you put no effort into helping them?
I can only wish these pictures were only the worst of what's out there. This is us. This is our race. Are you ready for the extinction of hundreds of species before true action is taken? Or are we going to wait even longer and eventually be the reason for our own extinction?
What's the difference between murder across species and murder within a specie? What's the difference between humans killing animals and humans killing humans? Humans are meant to be humane, but in all honesty thats the least truthful adjective some of us dare to label our kind. We are disgusting. We are hurtful. We damage beyond repair and we can't find ourselves putting an end to our rapid destruction. We are killers. We emit all our negative emotions on innocent creatures who want nothing but to survive in a world where we make surviving for them seem impossible. Our grandchildren will never know what some animals look like, and nobody finds themselves caring enough to take action. People like to say they love animals, and that they hate the cruelty they're going through but if that was really true, tell me what they did. What did they do to change the suffering they're going through? What did they do to prevent the imbalance among nature that is quickly becoming us? In a world where actions speak louder than words, why even insult yourself enough to say you care for them when you put no effort into helping them?
I can only wish these pictures were only the worst of what's out there. This is us. This is our race. Are you ready for the extinction of hundreds of species before true action is taken? Or are we going to wait even longer and eventually be the reason for our own extinction?
May 10, 2015
Graduation and Leaving Home
Hello future me.
Graduation is coming up very soon, and I am confused. I am leaving the school I've been in for 11 years of my life. I feel a mixture of emotions, and I don't know what to do with them.
I am feeling excited for whats to come and to see new faces.
I am feeling sad for the people and relationships I am leaving.
I am feeling a sense of 'senoritis', as I am a senior and right now I feel like I have the whole world in my hands.
But most of all, I am feeling a longing for time to reverse and take me back to when I was 3 years old and never knowing that my little school experience could ever end. For the faces I'm seeing to be new and refreshing, not old and as if I'm a hamster on a wheel; constantly experiencing the same things daily, weekly, and yearly.
I am going to miss my little home. I am going to miss its small number of staff who are like parents to me. I am going to miss the small campus that only allows me to attend 3 classrooms every day. I am going to miss my 14 brothers and sisters. I am going to miss its 'ghetto fabulous' ways of doing things, and I am going to miss knowing everyone and everyone's entire family. I am going to miss Mrs. Cindy, Mrs. G, Mr. F, and Mr. C. They have all played important roles in my life, and they are truly good people.
Remember your little school, future me. Remember their loving arms and advice.
Alyssa, Amani, and Gigi-
Chances are, you'll never read this. And even lower chances are you'll know its me. But thank you for giving me the example of TRUE family and everlasting bond. Different places cannot separate us and we are forever woven into each others pasts and hopefully will forever be growing together as sisters in each other's futures. I dream to show my grandchildren to you, and to call each of you on our futuristic devices, explaining whatever crazy event happened that day. I love you and cherish you with all my heart.
Hasta la vista, but never good bye.
March 14, 2015
Looking up
Hello future me!
Recently, I told you about how I got into a new school, and how my mother and I's relationship is rocky. Keep that in mind whilst reading the rest of this post.
This morning I had my placement test for the new school I'm going to. I had to wake up a lot earlier than I usually do, and silly me forgot to set the alarm clock. My mom had to wake me up in the morning for me to get ready for the test. The morning was like usual. Awkward and tense, but I survived it. When I was walk about to walk into class to take the exam my mother stopped me. When I turned around she leaned in to hug me. She told me she loved me, and with that I left into the big building.
I finished my test and was told to meet up at the gym parking lot to find our parents. I found my mom, and we walked to the car. They had passed out some gifts, and I showed her what I got. The awkwardness was still there, but I could feel it lessening. We got to the car, and she randomly reached back to the back seats. She pulled up a bag filled with stuff in it. At the top was just a couple informational papers about the school's athletics. I looked deeper into the bag to find a crap load of T-shirts and bows she bought me with the school colors and name. I thanked her for all the stuff she got me. We spoke some more about other dates we had to come back to the school, and the awkwardness had practically vanished.
I am feeling a whole lot better about everything that has happened, and I am thankful that we have moved past this. I am a very hot headed person, and hopefully one day I can move past that too.
Recently, I told you about how I got into a new school, and how my mother and I's relationship is rocky. Keep that in mind whilst reading the rest of this post.
This morning I had my placement test for the new school I'm going to. I had to wake up a lot earlier than I usually do, and silly me forgot to set the alarm clock. My mom had to wake me up in the morning for me to get ready for the test. The morning was like usual. Awkward and tense, but I survived it. When I was walk about to walk into class to take the exam my mother stopped me. When I turned around she leaned in to hug me. She told me she loved me, and with that I left into the big building.
I finished my test and was told to meet up at the gym parking lot to find our parents. I found my mom, and we walked to the car. They had passed out some gifts, and I showed her what I got. The awkwardness was still there, but I could feel it lessening. We got to the car, and she randomly reached back to the back seats. She pulled up a bag filled with stuff in it. At the top was just a couple informational papers about the school's athletics. I looked deeper into the bag to find a crap load of T-shirts and bows she bought me with the school colors and name. I thanked her for all the stuff she got me. We spoke some more about other dates we had to come back to the school, and the awkwardness had practically vanished.
I am feeling a whole lot better about everything that has happened, and I am thankful that we have moved past this. I am a very hot headed person, and hopefully one day I can move past that too.
February 7, 2015
Out With The Old And In With The New
Hello future me!
I'm going to be updating you on a little thing thats been consuming my life in it's entirety.
Danny and I had our first real fight.
I don't exactly want to share what it was about, or the things we told each other, but lets just say he disrespected me horribly.
I was so angry and upset towards him that my palms and my face began to sweat. My hands shook so much that I could hardly control them.
My crush for him has completely vanished. (It wasn't really a crush to begin with, I just thought he was very handsome.)
I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever, but over the weeks I have been developing one for someone in real life.
His name is Alex. He is just a year older than me, has a deep voice, he is tall, sarcastic, funny, and has the same interests I do.
He seems like the perfect guy for me, and not only is Squitchy trying to get me together with him, but so is his sister.
I really like this guy, and I'm dying to get to know him better.
Whenever I think about him I get butterflies in my stomach, and I have been growing such a longing to see him during the week, because we can only see each other fridays.
He says stuff when he's texting like, "Lmao" and just typing that made my stomach flutter.
I'm going to be updating you on a little thing thats been consuming my life in it's entirety.
Danny and I had our first real fight.
I don't exactly want to share what it was about, or the things we told each other, but lets just say he disrespected me horribly.
I was so angry and upset towards him that my palms and my face began to sweat. My hands shook so much that I could hardly control them.
My crush for him has completely vanished. (It wasn't really a crush to begin with, I just thought he was very handsome.)
I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever, but over the weeks I have been developing one for someone in real life.
His name is Alex. He is just a year older than me, has a deep voice, he is tall, sarcastic, funny, and has the same interests I do.
He seems like the perfect guy for me, and not only is Squitchy trying to get me together with him, but so is his sister.
I really like this guy, and I'm dying to get to know him better.
Whenever I think about him I get butterflies in my stomach, and I have been growing such a longing to see him during the week, because we can only see each other fridays.
He says stuff when he's texting like, "Lmao" and just typing that made my stomach flutter.
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