Insecurity

I'm that 10 year old little girl who would lock herself in her bathroom everyday to pull up her shirt and reveal her stomach, only to see if any progress was made. To see if anything has changed, to point out her flaws, to tell herself that she'll be beautiful if she looked like this or lost that or whatever.

I'm that 11 year old little girl who was told to suck her stomach in and watch what she ate.

I'm that 12 year old little girl who would look down at her lap during class and notice that her thighs were 3 times as big as the girl next to her's thighs. That little girl that would hope and pray that no one would walk by and notice the difference she noticed every single day.

I'm that 13 year old little girl who would rehearse the negative comments she received in her head and hope that they would somehow accumulate and change the way she looked- that maybe her body finally realized what was causing it so much stress, and just randomly learned how to change the problem so that the stress would go away.

I'm that 14 year old little girl who was too scared to step on the scale, because the reality of it was all too much.

I'm that 15 year old little girl who stands in front of people every day, and can only think of one thing: How does she look? Is her pimple covered up enough? Can you see her love handles? Maybe if  she was skinner she'd be prettier.

I'm that 28 year old mother who watches her daughter grow up and explore the world while she hopes and prays that her child will not suffer with the same thing.

I'm that 36 year old woman and mother of 3 who'll never be confident enough to say she's beautiful.

All because people never took into consideration what it means to insult a child. All because people never learned that I was impressionable. All because I was "hard to look at." All because I had extra fat here and there. All because I was born with sensitive, acne prone skin. All because I am human but am also expected to not be less than perfect.

Words can hurt and I cannot wait until the day people realize that.

What do you do?

What do you do when theres nothing left to do?

What do you do when everything is falling apart right before your eyes, and theres absolutely no action you can do to prevent it?

Life hurt so bad. Day after day, bad news after bad news, tear after tear- when will everything begin to start going up again? Or will it continue to spiral down until I can no longer bear it?

I'm just a little girl trying to find her place in this world, and everything just seems to want to be going against me.

What do you do?

My Birthday Photo shoot

I found my dress a couple days ago and tomorrow I get it fitted to my body. I'm pretty excited for this photo shoot.

Mom and I will probably be going up state to get my pictures taken- so I'll be taking a couple days off of school and I'm really excited for that.

I need about 4 outfits: one gown, one beach dress outfit, one garden outfit and one railroad track outfit. So far I have the first two.

This Sucks

These past days have been better. I haven't cried about him in a long time.

Probably because I haven't been seeing him or her.

But I continue to miss him. He's so fucking poisonous and addicting.

 I don't know what to do... Why do I need him so much?

It Hurts

It hurts. It still hurts. It gets worse day by day- the crying, the pure sadness, the jealousy and the hate.

I feel a little relief when I'm with someone else or not alone. However, sometimes just being with someone isn't enough. I have to speak to them. It hurts more when I'm not distracted.

My brothers should never have to go through this.

They should never let their walls down like I did. They should never get comfortable with anyone. They should never trust people- because as soon as they begin to feel for someone they will just end up like me. Broken, sad, alone and angry.

Why hasn't the pain subsided yet? Why is it that life gets harder and harder when it should be getting easier and easier? I don't want to be anywhere near him anymore. I don't want to see him because doing so is apparently resulting in me feeling like shit.

I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Just incredibly exhausted.

So far, every night I lie awake and think about him. Sometimes I pretend like we're still together. Like we've been going strong for months and that everything was okay. Other times I think back and question myself. If I had done things differently, would we still be together?

I do not want to feel this way anymore.

I Miss Him

I miss him. 

Watching him with her slowly kills me, but he doesn’t seem to notice- or perhaps he doesn’t care. Maybe that’s what he wants. 

But I miss him. I want him and only him.

He did me wrong in so many ways and while I can take note of the fact and recognize that he made many mistakes, I blame them all on me; as if I were the cause for them all. As if I were the flaw in the relationship and as if I were different I wouldn’t be hurting. 

Waking up with red puffy eyes and a tight dry throat really sucks.

Why did he have to leave me? Why did he have to treat me the way he did? Why did he have to hurt me? Why did he love her more? Why am I not good enough for him? I hate this. I hate him. I hate me. 

But I miss him. 

Right after things ended I thought I would be okay. I thought that it wouldn’t effect me and that I had already moved on- but I was, once again, mistaken. Every day that goes by I get more and more upset about losing him. I want him. 

I want him to hold me and to kiss me like he used to before he realized that I wasn’t enough for him. I want him to be mine the same way I am always have been his; whether he wants me to be or not. 

I crave his touch. Seeing them together overwhelms me with jealousy. 

Why doesn’t he feel the same way as me? This is so unfair. I want him to want me with the same intensity that I want him. 

I just miss him so, so much- and I don’t know how much longer I can go with feeling this way. It hurts too much. I’m becoming exhausted and I’m close to giving up. It wears me down. He’s slowly killing me and he doesn’t realize it.

I hope my brothers never feel this. I hope that they never feel the same agony as me. I hope they never lie awake during ungodly hours of the night and contemplate whether they should continue to keep trying or not. I hope they realize that they can always find the hope in something or someone- I hope that they can find their saving grace the same way I wish I could. 

Nobody knows that I feel this way. They would all just pity me. They’d watch me suffer and wish that they could do something about it, but no one can besides him. My saving grace happens to be the very reason I’m writing. This is unfair.

I miss him.

What scares me is that if one day he decided to want me back, I wouldn’t hesitate to comply. I can’t take him back if I want what’s best for me. How long will it take for me to be better again? To be over him? To see him as someone who I used to love? I am exhausted. If I took him back he’d break my heart once more. He might even shred it into smaller slivers. 

Through everything he’s done to me, and everything he’s inflicted on me, I can’t help but wonder:

Why do I miss him?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA#t=62

Animals

To anyone who takes it upon themselves to read,

What's the difference between murder across species and murder within a specie? What's the difference between humans killing animals and humans killing humans? Humans are meant to be humane, but in all honesty thats the least truthful adjective some of us dare to label our kind. We are disgusting. We are hurtful. We damage beyond repair and we can't find ourselves putting an end to our rapid destruction. We are killers. We emit all our negative emotions on innocent creatures who want nothing but to survive in a world where we make surviving for them seem impossible. Our grandchildren will never know what some animals look like, and nobody finds themselves caring enough to take action. People like to say they love animals, and that they hate the cruelty they're going through but if that was really true, tell me what they did. What did they do to change the suffering they're going through? What did they do to prevent the imbalance among nature that is quickly becoming us? In a world where actions speak louder than words, why even insult yourself enough to say you care for them when you put no effort into helping them?







I can only wish these pictures were only the worst of what's out there. This is us. This is our race. Are you ready for the extinction of hundreds of species before true action is taken? Or are we going to wait even longer and eventually be the reason for our own extinction?